A dozen fathers, whose children were taken away from their homes as a result of neglect and abuse, participated in a unique course during which they were taught how to be fathers. “I suddenly realized that I don’t know anything about my daughter” says one of the participants. “During the course I learned to miss my daughter when she was not with me.”

They neglected their children, ignored them, made them feel invisible and on many occasions abused their young spirits when they were needed the most. Moments before it was too late, they realized the error of their ways. Throughout the year, a group of twelve fathers whose children were taken away by the authorities due to neglect, abuse, and lack of financial means participated in a unique course created by Emunah. In this program they learned how to become involved in their children’s lives and how to become fathers. “I can’t wait to see my daughter, and to hear about the things she is going through” says “S” a father participating in the sessions. “Our relationship has become a warm and special one. I have simply rediscovered her”. “S” is 45 and lives in the center of Israel, his separation from his wife caused the situation at home to deteriorate to a point where the authorities where forced to take action, and remove his three children from their home. About a year ago, “S” was offered the opportunity to join the prog ram. “At first I didn’t understand why I of all people, should be asked to participate in this, I thought I was an okay dad” he says, “but during the classes I finally came to grips with reality. I realized how much I had neglected my children, especially my fourteen year old daughter. I realized how little attention I had paid to her, I didn’t even go to visit her in boarding school. I was too wrapped up with my own troubles to have time to pay any attention to her.”

The children were suspicious
Approximately three hundred thousand children in Israel are classified as “children at risk”, suffering from varying levels of neglect and abuse. Over thirty five thousand of these children are classified as “high risk” children. Every year, social services are forced to remove up to eight thousand children from their homes as a result of neglect, abuse, and difficult divorces. In many of these cases, court orders must be exercised in order to remove these children from their homes. As a result, many of these children are not visited or given any attention by their parents which only adds to an already difficult situation.

Emunah is one of the organizations that work with social services and in its children homes alone there are over a thousand children many of whom have been taken away from their families. Emunah's first priority is to attempt to preserve the family unit and in a unique step the organization decided to try to help the children maintain their relationships with their fathers.

“In spite of all the difficulties, children will usually retain their relationships with their mothers. We have found that more and more of our children actually crave their father’s attention and that in many cases they are simply ignored by their fathers”, explains Liora Minka, Chairperson of Emunah. We have built a special program that is based on creating a new and positive connection between the children and their parents through simple day to day activities. At the beginning of the last school year, twelve fathers agreed to participate in the program. Some of them had not seen their children in years, and most had never given their children the warmth and love that they deserved.

Once a week, at the end of their work day, the fathers came to Emunah Achusat Sarah Children's Home to participate in the classes. Emunah funded the course in its entirety, and even paid for transportation for those fathers without the financial means to get to the meetings independently.

At first, the children were suspicious of their father's frequent visits, but as time went on the children became accustomed to seeing them regularly. “All of a sudden their fathers are coming to visit them, and are interested in spending time with them”....“At first this was very surprising to many of the children”, explains Liora Minka. “Up to that point, their fathers would only come to see them when they had misbehaved.” The fathers, who had for the first time admitted that they had not provided their children with what they needed, learned from the ground up the fundamentals of parenting. “They had to relearn even the most basic day to day things” says Minka, “how to make contact with the son or daughter in the home, how to speak to them, how to play soccer together without excessive screaming and swearing, and most importantly, how to listen to them.” At first, the weekly meetings were attended by the fathers only, during which each father talked about himself and the different issues he had with his children. As the course progressed the children joined their fathers and the activities included games, social activities, and a joint dinner.

“I started visiting my daughter at the home” tells “S”. “We participated in events and we went for walks, we even sang karaoke together. That was a very emotionally moment for me, I had never done something like that with her before. I rediscovered her and I realized how important I was to her, and how happy she was to finally receive the attention that she craved so much. We have become very close. I call her and visit her, I can’t wait for the day that she can finally come home.”

I learned how to calm him down
“K”, a fifty year old father of four, separated from his wife and the children were put in homes. “I thought I was a good and devoted father” he remembers, “suddenly I realized during one of the meetings, that I didn’t know anything about my fifteen year old daughter. I knew nothing of her likes and dislikes, her academic situation, or even of her day to day life in the home. Through Emunah, I learned to know her and even to miss her when she wasn’t around me.”

Mrs. Minka tells us, that with the help and guidance of the staff of social workers and a clinical psychologist the fathers developed close relationships with their children. The connection between “R” and his eleven year old son was almost non-existent. “The situation at home was bad; I was fighting with my wife and my other three children. My son's situation deteriorated and he was on his way to becoming a juvenile delinquent, so he was put into a home. I did not understand why this had happened to my son. I came to the meetings, and I found out that much of his behavior was a direct result of his anger towards me. Anger that he felt because of the lack of attention that I should have given him. For the first time I realized that I was the one at fault. This realization was a very important one for me. We became close; we even started playing soccer together. I learned to tell when he was angry and how to calm him down and bring him closer to me. His anger towards me slowly disappeared and our relationship became one of true friendship. Now, when I come to visit we play games or go to the movies, it’s a lot of fun! I feel like I have rediscovered my son, and I think he has discovered that he has a father.”

The first course recently ended and was an astounding success. All the fathers have improved their relationships with their children and as a result of the program's success, Emunah is planning to continue this project. In addition, now that the fathers have learned to become functioning parents, Emunah is looking into ways to return the children to their original homes. “The ideal situation is always for the child to grow up within the framework of his parent’s home” says Minka, “and now they all have a better chance of doing just that.”

Yedioth Achronot July 2008